Sunday, June 6, 2010

I know I said I wanted to be single

I know I said that I wanted to be single. I’ve kept myself single this far, I can keep it up. I have so much to work on. I just feel like I could be a better partner, helpmate, whatever you wanna call it; if I correct some of my ways of old. Completely responsible of me right? However, I also led myself to believe that no one should want me in my current state. Not healthy either. A year ago I wanted to be as far away from love as possible. I even said that I didn’t want to date until I was done with my Masters (mind you I transferred no credits and just began year 2, and I’m still talkin PhD!). Well, since then I’ve managed to continue my education, get into yet another comfortable spot in my job, re-establish a home for my children and myself. I’ve also managed to stumble upon someone who seems way too good to be true. The person that I have always said I wanted, but felt I never deserved until now. I even prayed to God that 1 you keep my heart, because I’m give way to much of it, and 2 if you send him I’ll know because he’ll fit the list in a way that nobody ever has. Well….Now I find myself toying with the idea of…. Well….. I don’t know what to call it or say. But now I have found myself growing some feelings for him and thinking about him often, all too often. We met in a uncanny kind of way. And have taken things rather slowly. In the mist of rehabbing my life, he was there. I used his text and phone calls to give me the sense that someone was there caring, cheering me on, understanding the transformation that was and still am a work in progress. Only thing about was he really started to care, and so did I. I really felt initially as I if I had just met friend, to see through the hard times. Then I slowly began to feel something for this man who was beside me in my heart and mind. We spoke in the early hours of morning, after work, a few words before bed here and there. The time turned into days, and weeks, months. I really like this man. He makes my heart sing in the oddest ways. I don’t know if it’s because I know he suits me well, or if it because I know I’m his exception. But I have some much of me to work on… I don’t know what to do. Do I just feel what I feel and let things flow. Do I add him to my to do list? LOL!!! Or do I really appreciate the friendship, and companionship that he’s giving me and figure out where he really goes in all of this life of mine?

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