Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Self Anonymous

Hi, my name is Candace. And I’m just me. I’m 25 a single mom. And I’ve just never fit in. How I really lost myself was when I was 12, my parents divorced, I was living with my mother, who I had grown up with, just wasn’t accustomed to ( my sister and I did everything with our dad). I figured if I did what she said and what she wanted me to do, she’d love me more. Well in the mix I lost me. If she didn’t approve I lost interest or buried the feeling. I stopped writing, drawing, and singing. Not too much of what I loved could be a career in here eyes, thus I grew to feel inadequate. Now, I have child to raise on my own, that is every bit of a free spirit. And I find that letting her be herself is hard at times because I’m like that’s not “right”. At 4 what’s really wrong with singing to yourself in your own room. So what if she talks herself to sleep. And when I ask with whom is she talk to she tells me “ME!” And now all my mother can say is,” She’s your child.” So why am I struggling to see myself in her? Why is it so hard to just be free? Because I want to be the example and she’s leading me. So I’m giving in. It’s taking time. I know I don’t fit a norm in my neighborhood, my job, or demographic. But I can’t stand by and preach freedom to my child while I allow myself to continue being my own prisoner. My name is Candace, I’m 25. I can’t stay up past 9, I love painting, writing, cooking, being barefoot. I’m loud. Yes, I go to a Baptist Church and yes my dad is a pastor, yes I meditate and practice yoga, and read the Koran. I have 2 tattoos, and am working on the number 3. Yes I locs (dreadlocks), and yes I brush my hair. I listen to Jazz, Contemporary Christian, Gospel, Hip Hop, and Top 40 (I know all the words to Fergalicious). Give me some popcorn and a good movie or book and you may not see me for days. If you can’t love me fine. All that I ask is that you respect me. If you can’t do either just leave me alone please, because this is a Working Zone!!! I’m working on being ME! With love, Cande P.S. I was sparked!!! This was not a rant from the left. My favorite blog, with the glitterettes got me started today.

1 comment:

LisaOceandreamer said...

I happen to applaud this!!! I think no matter what age you are, and I am old enough to be your mom, it's never too early or too late to tap in to the authentic YOU. If you are free and comfortable in your own self worth your daughter will see it and feel it. Right now you are the example by which she will live...and a mom who is free without being reckless...teaches her of all the possibilities of HER. Go in and and sing with her in her room, ask her what she has to say to herself, dance around the room together and fall on the floor laughing. Be joyful and let the real Candace out - I can tell she's probably pretty extraordinary!
Glitter on!

p.s. did you enter my giveaway, someone that spelled their name candes did but it didn't lead to a blog - just wondering just in case.


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